A Special Mother

While I don't consider Nicholas handicapped. I came across this poem while doing a search on Erma Bombeck, inspired by a PBS documentary I saw today.
Her words profound and moving, I found this poem inspirational. Qualities for any mother to aspire to.


THE SPECIAL MOTHER
by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, he instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth: son. Patron saint, Matthew. Forest, Marjorie: daughter; patron saint Cecilia.

"Rutledge, Carrie: twins. Patron saint....give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," says God. "Could I give a child with a handicap to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied.

"She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

-Erma Bombeck

Hanna Rosin, you screwed up!

Making her justifications for short-term breastfeeding, a public forum, Hanna Rosin's The Atlantic article has been all over the place lately. Her multi page rant about how breastfeeding is time consuming and soul sucking is prompting other news outlets to question whether breastfeeding is even worth the obvious health benefits.

Ms. Rosin states that breastfeeding advocates look at formula as a public health menace, on par with cigarettes. In my humble opinion, tis not the formula that is the public health menace, but articles like Ms. Rosin's that are the true health menace.

To justify her tired and overwrought Mombie existence, she sites multiple sources and studies that prove breastfeeding is insignificant, save a bout of diarrhea or two. She claims, through these studies, that there is no proof breastfeeding makes kids healthier, smarter, or more well adjusted.
I agree with her to a certain degree. As militant as I am about breastfeeding my own child, I don't believe that all formula fed babies are stupid, unhealthy, or gearing up for their lot in life as the next Ted Bundy or Charlie Manson. That is where my allowance for her justification ends.

I understand she has multiple children. I, the mother of one semi-high need, not so good at sleeping, 12 month old, can't really fathom a house full of 2 or 3 of them. I know that if we had another child, his/her experience would be different from the first born. That is the true and natural progression of family. I understand the tiring bind she is in. That said, it's no excuse for her to write an article giving other mothers and mothers to be, the impression that breastfeeding is an unnecessary impossibility.

As a woman and mother Hanna Rosin should be ashamed. Her article is an example of the idiocy of our country and culture's take on breastfeeding. Ms. Rosin should not be vilified for ending her breastfeeding session early with child number 3. But she should have thought twice before making her guilt ridden angst public property. We women should support each other decisions to do what is best for their children and families. In countries with paid maternity leave, this lactation bashing is far less occurant. Breastfeeding being a cultural norm is surely one of the reasons why.

Not every women can breastfeed. As controversial as it sounds, unless there is a medical reason contraindicating it, every woman should at least try. There are benefits to breastfeeding. They are proven, at a minimum, to aid and assist a baby's immune system. If further proof be needed, look around you. We are the only species that feeds our young the milk of another species. Basic animal instinct tells other mammals that they breastfeed their young. It's science plain and simple, that breastfeeding improves the survival of the species.

The irresponsibility of Ms. Rosin's article now extends outward. Venues like The New York Times and the Today Show are giving their articles referencing hers, controversial titles likening breastfeeding to a life-sucking vacuum. To me that is dangerous and defeatist. I pray that a mother or mother to be on the fence about breastfeeding, not let one mother's tired and angst ridden rant keep her from trying to achieve from what is a fulfilling, nurturing, and important part of being a mom.

The Not So Great Vaccine Debate

Vaccines are back in the news again. Nothing stresses me out more than trying to make the right decisions where vaccines are concerned. Let me begin by saying I am in NO way anti-vaccine. I work in the medical industry, albeit the animal medical industry. I know how vaccines work and have witnessed first hand the positive and negative effects of them. So when it comes to my son I am rather torn on what to do and when to do it.

The autism/vaccine connection is back in the news again. The original scare began a few years back and contrary to popular belief had little to do with mercury. The Wakefield Study emerged in 1998. Basically Dr Wakefield did a somewhat questionable study determining that when compared to their similarly vaccinated siblings. Autistic children had the measles virus in the lining of their intestine. The same virus as that contained in the MMR vaccine. Their siblings, however, did not. Much has been stated about this study. Many parents have opted not to vaccinate for MMR. Many parents of autistic children blame that vaccine for their child's condition. Measles is making a comeback here and across the pond. It had recently come to light that the Wakefield study was skewed and inaccurate, with some of the test subjects showing obvious autism signs before administration of the MMR vaccine.

Now, in our grand country we have an organization that provides compensation to people and families hurt by vaccines . If vaccines are so darn safe, why is this in existence? Well, because vaccines aren't all that safe. A vaccine is like any device of modern western medicine. Vaccines have done great things and saved many lives, but with the wrong body chemistry at the right time, they can also be deadly. We see this on occasion in veterinary medicine. I have seen pets run the gamut in vaccine reactions, from fevers, to vomiting, to a level of anaphylaxis that requires life saving measures. Fortunately the latter is very rare and I suppose the same can be said in human medicine as well.

So what is a parent to do?! If you listen to the head doctor of my pediatrician's office, we should all follow a herd mentality. Following a regimented vaccine schedule that takes not into account individual body make and chemistry. That philosophy frightens and angers me. I understand the AAP schedule exists for a reason. But what needs to be taken into account are the individual health needs of each child.

I am vaccinating my son (well almost every vaccine). But I am following a delayed schedule. My reasons have little to do with the possible autism/vaccine link and much more to do with the aluminum conjugate in most vaccines. The "bugs" in the vaccine need a transportation mode, hence the aluminum. Aluminum is processed by the kidneys. Studies have been done determining that oral administration of aluminum in high doses doesn't really pose a health risk. A lot of antacids are aluminum based. But no studies, have been done to see what happens when aluminum is injected. Since my son only has one functional kidney, I don't want to tax it. So I spread out his vaccines, trying to adhere to one a visit, on a rare occasion two. Right now he is caught up and will remain so until 15 months, when I will at least delay MMR for now.

My wish, my dream, is that there would be honest, unbiased research on autism and vaccines. What makes myself and many other parents insane is the lack of honest, unbiased information. Seems there are two schools of thought. Vaccinate or die! Or vaccinate and die! The only thing that comes close to fair and balanced literature is The Vaccine Book by Robert Sears MD FAAP. God bless this book and Dr Sears for presenting the facts about vaccines and the diseases they cover. God bless this book for presenting an alternate plan and explaining how you can safely insert it into your baby's life. Contrary to myth, he does NOT recommend not vaccinating. He recommends a delayed schedule if you have true medical reasons. He recommends things you need to do to keep your baby safe if you choose to delay or reject vaccines. For example breastfeeding at least one year, probiotics, getting the most dangerous and pertinent diseases vaccinated for first. etc....

For now it seems my head will continue to spin with the myriad of information that exists. I will take each doctor visit as it comes and try to do what I think is best for my son. One thing for sure it's an uphill battle with a lot of twists and turns and no easy answers.

Blogger Neglect

Yes I am guilty of a serious case of blogger neglect. No good excuses other than it takes two free hands to type this blog. I only usually have one good hand available because the other is velcroed to my son.

Kidneygate Update!

Back to Hershey we went two Mondays ago. Not for roller coaster rides and outsourced Mexican chocolate, but for a renal scan for our son. This kid has had to endure far more in his 10 months of life, than either Dave or I endured in our first twenty years. Strapped to a gurney, Nicholas had to have an IV and a urinary catheter. His next assignment was to lay, for what should have been a little over an hour, but what turned out to be two, thanks to a computer glitch. While radioactive dye, that comes direct via a little lead box, drips through his uro-genital tract. Nicholas endured this post modern version of reverse Chinese water torture when he was 3 months old and he actually slept through about 60% of it. I didn't expect my active 10 month old to sleep that amount this time and I was correct. This renal scan he may have slept, through sheer exhaustion, for about 20 minutes of the 2 hour ordeal.

After the procedure is all said and done, much relief pours over Dave and I regardless of the results. Luckily we have are scheduled to see the urologist a mere hour after the scan so there is not much of a wait. This time Dr Pediatric Urology Guy tells us the same thing we heard last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. " Your son's good kidney is not 100% normal." "So we need to watch it." "It may never change for the better, but that's OK because right now it functions at 100% and can this way his entire life. " But.....because he only has one functional kidney, we must continue to monitor with ultrasounds and maybe another renal scan sometime in the future...blah blah blah..."

This is a song Dave and I already had memorized and expected and sincerely hoped to hear. There is always a chance that is ureter could narrow, and he need surgical intervention, but we've been told the chances of this are less likely as he grows and everything, including ureters, gets bigger.

"So he can be this way, slightly hydronephrosed, for the rest of his life, and still function at 100%?" I asked.

"Yep."

OK that's all I needed to know, thanks......

Our next renal adventure will be heading to Children's Hospital Of Phila for Nicholas' follow up, thanks to Hershey being "out of network" now. Thank you big name insurance companies for keeping the cost of health care rising to the stratosphere with your greed and dishonestly (note the sarcasm here...)

Setting an example.

So anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I have always been overweight. My life has been punctuated by times of less obesity, more cardiovascular fitness and times of morbid obesity and couch potato comas.

People who know me also know that for several years I wanted nothing more than to be a Mommy. That dream realized, it certainly doesn't come without its own set of hardships. For me one of the biggest difficulties is the lack of sleep. This deficit starts an avalanche of unhealthy circumstances. Less sleep equals less energy, less brain power, more carelessness, and ultimately a zombie like existence. I am almost heavier now than when I was nine months pregnant. I've been sick with colds or stomach bugs 3 times in as many months. It's getting real old.....

I have lost weight in the past with moderate success on Weight Watchers. I've always favored that plan because no food is off limits. The plan teaches portion control and that has always been a big problem for me. As a child, I was never really led down a nutritional path that called for actually stopping eating before your belly is so full you need to unbutton your pants. In childhood I learned to associate that feeling of over-fullness with peace and satisfaction. In adulthood I've used that feeling to help quell my anxieties, of which I have a bunch. Weight Watcher's plan helps me to know when I am truly physically full.

The key to making Weight Watchers or any weight loss program a success is planning. Nobody can gain victory over unhealthy eating without a plan. Meals must be planned. Time must be allotted for exercise. Easily abused foods can't be allowed in the house. Now throw in being a new Mom with a 10 month old and you can see where this is going.

So here I am. I am back on Weight Watchers. I am trying my darnedest to stick to the plan. I know that this time around I am not only doing this for myself. I have an example to set. It is very important for me to provide my son with the healthiest life possible. Part of this provision, is for his parents to set an example of what healthy eating truly is. I don't blame my parents for my obesity, but there are definitely things they did that I have no intention of repeating. Part of my militant breastfeeding regime is my belief that breastfed babies are better at being aware of their physical fullness. That doesn't mean my son will never know the joys of junk food. That time will come soon enough whether I want it to or not. But in my opinion, when it comes to eating healthy, failing to plan is definitely planning to fail.

Rules I should remember

A friend of mine sent me these.

Ten Commandments for a Long and Peaceful Life
1. Thou shalt not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shalt not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shalt face each problem as it comes. You can handle only one at a time.
4. Thou shalt not cross bridges before you get to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
5. Thou shalt not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shalt not borrow other people's problems. They can take better care of them than you can.
7. Thou shalt be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It's very hard to learn something new when you're talking.
8. Thou shalt not try to re-live yesterday for good or ill-it is gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life today.
9. Thou shalt not become bogged down by frustration, for 50 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive actions.
10. Thou shalt count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones-for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

Merry 1st Christmas

So here we are. Another Christmas comes and goes. This one was a bit different for Dave and I. It was our son's first Christmas.

We started off Christmas Eve with another surreal visit with my biological father and his family. Their generosity seems to know no bounds. While I appreciate it deeply, it also makes me a little uncomfortable. These are people to whom I'm related, but met just a year ago. Since the inception of this relationship they have been very open and rather generous to Dave, Nick and myself. Sometimes I worry about this. I'm not sure how to return the generosity in what is a pretty complicated relationship to begin with.

Christmas Day was nice. My mom and Dave's family took turns visiting with us. Nicholas seemed to know something was up, even though Christmas is yet a foreign concept to his 9 month old mind. He had an awesome time playing with cups and bath toys and wrapping paper.

Christmas night left something to be desired. A friend of mine who lost her grandmother last Christmas and a good friend of hers this past July, is struggling. I invited her over for Christmas at our house with the hopes she'd arrive while there were other folks present. I knew she couldn't be with her family this Christmas. I also know that my family surely isn't her family, but I'd hoped it would be a comforting substitute. Instead this friend showed up hours after everyone left our house. Instead of spending our time talking about the good tidings of the season and trying to keep it light. She lamented for hours about how Christmas sucks for her since the barrage of death this past year. How it will never be the same. How nobody understands or appreciates this situation she is in.

She's right on at least one count. Christmas is never the same after the loss of a close family member. After my grandmother died in 2000, Christmas has never felt the same to me. The first Christmas was the absolute worst. Memories of your loved one tend to provide equal, if not exceeding amounts of pain, when compared to the comfort they should provide. One thing I tried to assure my friend of, was that it WILL get better. The memories will start to seem much less painful and far more comforting. You WILL get better if you want to. You can choose to make the most or the least of the holiday season. For several years Dave and I sort of ignored Christmas. We didn't decorate much. We performed the minimum requirements to get through the day. In the last few years we slowly started to reintroduce bits and pieces of the holiday back into our lives. This past Christmas has been the best so far. Having a new person in your life can certainly give you a new perspective on things.

Having a negative relationship in your life can also shift your perspective. My friend is in the midst of what I would call a "not so healthy" relationship. I think both parties mean well, but they seem to be bringing each other down instead of raising each other up. This relationship is my friend's choice and there is not much I can do but listen and try to tactfully inject advice where I can. I want nothing more than for her to feel better and be better. But I fear it's not in the cards for her anytime soon. She seems to have no interest in NOT making this unhealthy relationship a central focus of her life. What is a friend to do....... It leaves me at a loss and reminds me how this time of year can be so very painful for the brokenhearted.

At this point in our lives Dave and I feel it is now our responsibility to make the holiday season one of good memories and family traditions. It's our duty to try our best for Nicholas. Someday, down the road, he may have some shitty Christmases to deal with. I guess the best gift Dave and I could give him is a healthy perspective to get through those particular Christmases with his sanity and soul intact.