So here we are. Another Christmas comes and goes. This one was a bit different for Dave and I. It was our son's first Christmas.
We started off Christmas Eve with another surreal visit with my biological father and his family. Their generosity seems to know no bounds. While I appreciate it deeply, it also makes me a little uncomfortable. These are people to whom I'm related, but met just a year ago. Since the inception of this relationship they have been very open and rather generous to Dave, Nick and myself. Sometimes I worry about this. I'm not sure how to return the generosity in what is a pretty complicated relationship to begin with.
Christmas Day was nice. My mom and Dave's family took turns visiting with us. Nicholas seemed to know something was up, even though Christmas is yet a foreign concept to his 9 month old mind. He had an awesome time playing with cups and bath toys and wrapping paper.
Christmas night left something to be desired. A friend of mine who lost her grandmother last Christmas and a good friend of hers this past July, is struggling. I invited her over for Christmas at our house with the hopes she'd arrive while there were other folks present. I knew she couldn't be with her family this Christmas. I also know that my family surely isn't her family, but I'd hoped it would be a comforting substitute. Instead this friend showed up hours after everyone left our house. Instead of spending our time talking about the good tidings of the season and trying to keep it light. She lamented for hours about how Christmas sucks for her since the barrage of death this past year. How it will never be the same. How nobody understands or appreciates this situation she is in.
She's right on at least one count. Christmas is never the same after the loss of a close family member. After my grandmother died in 2000, Christmas has never felt the same to me. The first Christmas was the absolute worst. Memories of your loved one tend to provide equal, if not exceeding amounts of pain, when compared to the comfort they should provide. One thing I tried to assure my friend of, was that it WILL get better. The memories will start to seem much less painful and far more comforting. You WILL get better if you want to. You can choose to make the most or the least of the holiday season. For several years Dave and I sort of ignored Christmas. We didn't decorate much. We performed the minimum requirements to get through the day. In the last few years we slowly started to reintroduce bits and pieces of the holiday back into our lives. This past Christmas has been the best so far. Having a new person in your life can certainly give you a new perspective on things.
Having a negative relationship in your life can also shift your perspective. My friend is in the midst of what I would call a "not so healthy" relationship. I think both parties mean well, but they seem to be bringing each other down instead of raising each other up. This relationship is my friend's choice and there is not much I can do but listen and try to tactfully inject advice where I can. I want nothing more than for her to feel better and be better. But I fear it's not in the cards for her anytime soon. She seems to have no interest in NOT making this unhealthy relationship a central focus of her life. What is a friend to do....... It leaves me at a loss and reminds me how this time of year can be so very painful for the brokenhearted.
At this point in our lives Dave and I feel it is now our responsibility to make the holiday season one of good memories and family traditions. It's our duty to try our best for Nicholas. Someday, down the road, he may have some shitty Christmases to deal with. I guess the best gift Dave and I could give him is a healthy perspective to get through those particular Christmases with his sanity and soul intact.
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